Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Obviously We Made the Right Choice

Over the past eighteen weeks or so I've had a few moments where I wondered if keeping this pregnancy a secret from some family members and friends was a good idea or not.  The past three days are proving that it absolutely was.  In fact, if I could go back in time three days, I would have urged Bryan to keep this news quiet for just a few weeks more, if it could be helped.

With Madeline and Ellie we pretty much told everyone that we were expecting right away.  I was happy to share our joy with others, but I frequently found myself wishing I wasn't fielding rude comments, prying questions and what I am fairly certain was feigned interest.  What I disliked the most was the unsolicited comments and remarks that the baby "better" be a boy.  Given that I really wanted a girl during each of those pregnancies I found remarks along those lines rather upsetting.

This time around I enjoyed keeping our joyful news to ourselves.  I didn't have people calling me almost everyday during my first trimester asking me how I was feeling.  I didn't have my in-laws pestering me asking if this one feels like a boy.  How on earth would I know if the baby "feels like a boy" when I've never been pregnant with one?  I also got to enjoy several months of no one asking me about names or trying to lobby for me to name the baby after them.  Ok, Madeline's soccer coach is the exception.  He's been lobbying for a little Rohan since he found out I was pregnant many weeks ago.  When he learned the baby is a girl he decided that was OK, we could just call her little Roheina.  I think we're going to pass on that suggestion.

In the past three days since the pregnancy has been known to Bryan's side of the family, all of the grief I had been hoping to avoid has flooded in like a collapsed dam on a small town.  The in-laws seem rather unimpressed that they will have another baby in the family.  My mother-in-law's "husband" has made references to the ultrasound picture saying that our dog is pregnant.  My sister-in-law in trying to guess the baby's gender based on the ultrasound picture has made crass comments that it looks like our little boy is trying to "reach his erect wee-wee."  Who, I ask you, makes such comments about an unborn baby?  I can't tell you how livid I was, and still am about that remark.

What I was prepared for in the least was for anyone to make comments that three kids is enough already.  I'm sorry, but three children in a span of 10+ years is not a lot of kids.  It's not as though I've had three kids in three years or anything like that.  My first child was born in September 2001 and my third child is due in October 2011.  And, it's not that we've chosen to have another child that is the issue, it's actually that this particular person is irritated that she will have to buy gifts for another one of our kids.  Not once have I ever told anyone that they must purchase a present for my children.  I find a comment like this incredibly disturbing considering it came from Madeline's Godmother.  Further proof that I need to find more suitable Godparents for this new baby.  Clearly we haven't done too well in picking Godmothers the first two times.

What I find absolutely remarkable in all of this is that friends, neighbors, parents of my children's classmates, and people who I only know through blogs are more excited about this baby than my husband's side of the family.  And just in case you think that maybe babies are a dime a dozen on his side of the family, they aren't.  We have the only children.  I'm happy that my family are excited about the baby.  My mom has been happily announcing our good news to my aunts who are all delighted to hear about their new great niece who's on the way.  I've yet to hear a negative comment from them.

Maybe the odd reaction I'm getting is just a result of the Culture of Death that seems to have a firm grip on most of society.  It's all very bizarre.


  1. Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!

    I'd be really upset too. I don't think my family will be thrilled next time around (I don't think they get the whole Catholic's not using birth control thing) but I think they'll hide it a bit better (and eventually be excited). I wish I could hug you after reading this.

    It's so crazy. Paul says: "My treasure are my children." I wish the whole world felt that way.

    Anyways, hopefully I said this before but: Congratulations!

    And we're keeping it a secret for as long as we can if God blesses us with another little one.

  2. Karen, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation with your husband's side of the family. it truly is a joy to know that God desires another child for you and Bryan, and why wouldn't everyone rejoice in this message from above !! even you if had had three children in three years, that is for no one to make judgment on. That is between you and Bryan and your Lord! God bless you for embracing the culture of Life and for sending the message through your pregnancy that you value and welcome new life. And i for one am overjoyed for you, though we have never met, Because i think babies are the most beautiful message Our Lord can send to this ailing world.

  3. Oh my GOSH!!!!! I sooooooooo understand how you feel! We also chose to wait almost 5 1/2 months about our last pregnancy. We didn't even tell some of our closest friends! And then when we did, people were mixed family included.

    It is YOUR RIGHT to tell who you want, when you want.
    It is YOUR RIGHT to have however many children you want, in however many years you want to.
    It is YOUR RIGHT to pick whoever will do the best job as Godparents.

    This is ridiculous, and I am so sorry for you. Children are a gift, and an amazing miracle of life. How could anyone react this way after learning of a new life in the family.

    Isn't it sad that people have to be this way, especially family?


  4. Oh sweetie...I agree with you. While my family would not say it is a culture of death influencing their thoughts...whether it be the economy, life today, values today etc, they just don't support a big family. They were lukewarm when we announced Valiant, and they were downright cruel when we announced we were expecting Gift. We also had horrible comments (Valiant was slow to want to walk, leading some family members to assume a developmental problem - one a doctor never said existed!) so when we announced our excitement, a close relative said point blank "You needed to have found out what was wrong with that one before you had another one.".


    It is spirit crushing.

    Hugs, and I'm so sorry...we've been there! Love ya!

  5. (Oh, I meant to say while my family would say they were influenced by the culture of death...I would say YES they are.)

  6. I know I haven't commented on your blog in ages, but I have been reading it and I am THRILLED for your new addition and how exciting another little girl! Truly a wonderful gift from God. It is sad when people make statements like you have been subjected to; worse that they came from family members. It is no one's business how many kids a couple decide to have, whether it is zero or 20. It is between them and God, if they have a faith. You and your husband are the best type of couple to have children, as many as you want, stable relationship, financially able to take care of them, have a faith you will share with them, etc. No one should "rain on your parade" and spoil your happiness. Don't let it get to you too much; I still haven't forgived my MIL for a statement she made about my mom 13 years, which has caused lots of bitterness on my part. Rejoice in your blessings. I do feel bad for your husband because you know this has to affect him, his family acting like this. I'm sure he would like their support, happiness, etc.



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