The Agony of Getting Lost

Madeline is away on a weekend long retreat with her youth group.  It should be a fun time and hopefully a very good experience for her.  She's enjoyed every retreat she's been on in the past year, so I'm sure this one will be every bit as good as the others.

Getting to the retreat, however, was a different story.  I don't particularly like to drive to places where I don't know the way without using directions.  I'd much rather know exactly where I'm going.  I chalk it up to my type A control freak personality.  I need that feeling of knowing where I'm going otherwise I feel nervous and on edge.  I don't like the unexpected.

Minutes before taking Madeline to her retreat I checked the email that was sent out to the parents to get the address.  I popped it into my Waze app and we were ready to go.  Along the thirty-five minute drive I saw a lot of places I remembered from last year, and then I started noticing that places I recalled from the route I took last year weren't along the route.  I figured it was just Waze taking me a different more efficient way since there were three different ways to get there when I checked it out on google maps.  Then after missing a turn and irritating the drivers behind me, we arrived at our "destination"  a place that was clearly not the retreat house and looked like a decidedly not nice area of the not so nice area where we were headed.  Oh joy!

So I had Madeline dial up the youth minister to find out why we arrived somewhere totally different.  And that's when she tells me, It's 8th Street spelled out E-I-G-H-T-H.  So once I typed it in to Waze we were there in about two minutes.  But it was enough to put me completely out of my comfort zone and send my stress level way up.  When I got home I just had to look at the email and the letter that was sent out and each of them had the address listed with the number for the street.  Gah! Either way, I was destined to wind up at the wrong place today.  But honestly, what kind of town has streets like Eighth and 8th both followed by street, or Sixth and 6th?  That's just asking to cause a lot of confusion.  I wonder how many people that don't live in the town get confused when they have a bunch of streets named like this.  And even better is it's not like these streets are far apart.  They're minutes apart and who knows, they may even intersect.  It's not like the little five mile long island I grew up on where there was a Pine Avenue in one town and five minutes away there was a Pine Street.  People got those confused at times, but they actually had different names and were in different towns.

I think it goes without saying, but getting lost today did not help me to relax at all.  I'm determined to not get lost on Sunday when it's time to pick her up.

Must Stress Less

There's no doubting it, I'm stressing myself out.  This morning I woke up and after staying in bed for a few minutes I realized that I was feeling pretty good.  Then my feet hit the floor and within minutes I was thinking about everything I needed to do today and then my side started hurting again.  Ugh!  Talk about frustrating.  I feel like I'm my own worst enemy right now.  I don't want to worry and I don't want to stress about anything, but it's like I'm unable to do anything but that.

Bryan being away on a business trip alone is stressful enough.  It's just me and the kids and I really feel the burden of shouldering all the responsibilities.  Most mornings that Katie has school Bryan will take her, but when he's gone that's my job.  Fortunately Madeline and Ellie are capable of helping to get Katie and Anthony dressed and fed in the morning, so that's a big help.  Otherwise there's no way I'd be out the door with Anthony in time to make it to Mass.  Food, however, is a problem.  Bryan is the one who usually cooks dinner so evenings are just rough for me.  And right now there are a lot of foods I don't want anything to do with so those are kind of off the menu for a time.  That leaves me with pretty much nothing to cook for dinner.  Tonight was night two of cereal for some of us, and I got a little creative in finding other options for Anthony that weren't PB&J sandwiches, waffles or bananas.  One more night of figuring out what to feed three of the kids until Bryan is home.  Madeline was at youth group tonight where she had dinner and she's about to go on retreat, so she at least has been eating non-cereal items for dinner.  Lucky girl!

I think it's just impossible for me to relax when I feel like I just have so much going on that I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I'm hoping that once Bryan is home I will be able to feel a bit less stressed.  It always seems like it is worse when he is gone.  In fact, I started to feel really awful and had the beginnings of this problem while he was gone for a few weeks ago.

I know homeschooling is a big stressor for me right now.  I'm having a hard time keeping Madeline on track and she has a lot of ground to cover in the coming months to get everything completed.  She's going to a local Catholic high school next year and while we have until late July to complete all of her 9th grade work with Seton, we would like to have her final grades for the year sent to the high school by the end of their school year.  She did do a good job in the past week of chipping away at several assignments but she seems to have lost momentum this week.  Honestly, the sooner the can finish all of her work for the year the better.  I know once she's done I'm going to feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

Just last night, I decided that the most stress relieving thing I could watch on tv after the kids went to be was episodes of Rugrats.  I used to watch that show all the time when I was in high school and  college just to decompress and not have to think about anything else.  So it was a bit relaxing last night to sit and watch that show.  I'll likely watch more of it tonight as I try to unwind.

My Own Biggest Stressor

I'm starting to think I might be my own biggest stressor.  I have had several days with almost no pain since taking Prilosec.  In fact, I was beginning to feel so well that I was thinking that perhaps I might just cancel the appointment I have with the GI doctor.

I woke up for the second day in a row with a sore throat and ear pain this morning.  My body aches and I feel exactly the way I do when I'm about to get hit with another sinus infection.  Fun times ahead, I tell you!  So I went to the doctor this morning and before checking out my ear and throat he wanted to talk about the pain I had been having since the ultrasound last week came back saying my gallbladder and liver were just fine.  Unremarkable is the word on the report.

So I told him about how I started to think that perhaps the pain really was starting to remind me of when I was eighteen and got hit hard with reflux and the beginnings of an ulcer.  A lot of my circumstances are pretty similar.  I was under a lot of stress when this happened at eighteen and I started losing a lot of weight as a result of all the gastric issues. I've had a lot of stress and upheaval the past two months and that I suspect it was creating a similar situation.  So I told him about how I started taking Prilosec and eating only foods that I know won't aggravate my reflux and how within a few days I was starting to feel better and started to gain back some of the weight I had lost.

I asked his opinion about whether or not I should still go see the GI doctor and he thinks it would be wise to give the Prilosec a few more weeks and if I'm not feeling a lot better to then pursue seeing the GI doctor.  It makes perfect sense to me, but for some reason I have started stressing myself out today.  I don't know if it's because I'm feeling sick, or because I know I have a full plate of things to do these next couple of days while Bryan is on the other side of the country, or if suddenly the Prilosec just isn't doing anything for me.  I just wish I knew how to relax and stop worrying about everything.

I'm always very stressed and on edge when Bryan is away on business so that's nothing new.  But tomorrow and Friday Ellie is spending two days at the parish school shadowing in the class of a couple of her friends.  The timing for these shadow days couldn't be more inopportune for me.  I made arrangements with my friend who works at the school to meet me before Mass to take Ellie to the school since drop off time is during Mass.  But when it comes time to pick her up, I will be half an hour away at a friends house for a birthday party Katie was invited to.  Talk about bad timing.  So my father in law is going to come down for a bit tomorrow afternoon to spend some time with the kids and pick Ellie up at the school.  After that I have to take Madeline to a youth group meeting and then Ellie has a soccer practice that she'll be heading to and then it will be time to load up the little ones and pick up Madeline. Then, Friday, Ellie has her second shadow day and after that I have to drive Madeline to her weekend retreat which will have me upsetting nap time for Anthony.  She tried to find a ride out there but wasn't having any luck.  I honestly can't wait until Saturday morning when Bryan will be home.

The bottom line is I need to find a way to relax, stop worrying and quit stressing about everything.  It's absolutely no good for me to continue on the path I'm on right now.  If I thought the GI doctor would be able to run some of the tests I know he'll want to do I could see just going to the appointment, but both my family doctor and I are very confident that two of the most commonly used diagnostic tests will not be happening anytime soon.  Essentially I'm in a bit of a holding pattern for the time being.  I really just need to learn how to let go and let God do His thing, but that's so much easier said than done if you're like me.

Procrastinating again

Now that the gravity of my overzealous volunteering has hit me, I'm in the middle of a serious case of procrastination. Back in the Spring, I really felt like I should have taken the 7th grade CCD class when it was offered. But I was pretty reluctant. Then the deacon and his wife asked me a few times to consider teaching a kindergarten or 1st grade class on Sunday morning instead. I agreed to the kindergarten class because it would give me an excuse not to have to go to the 9:15 Sunday Mass and have my ears assaulted by the Folk Song group (Yes, it's that bad, and no I don't care if it sounds really uncharitable. It's the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.)

Since the beginning of the school year I have had several moments where the thought that I really should have taught the older kids has crept into my head. (Don't get me wrong, I love my kindergarten class. They're great.) Week after week I see the plea for a religious ed teacher in the church bulletin and I did my best to ignore it even though I suspected it was a Thursday night class for an older grade. (It was.) Then, I have been asked to sub for the 7th grade and I found an excuse not to do it, only to get called the following week for the same class. I figured something was up and like a character on LOST (love that show) I realized that I couldn't keep avoiding it. Obviously, SOMEONE wants me to teach this class. So I stopped digging in my heels and decided to step up. I can't explain it, but I really felt like something was calling me to do this even though my instincts tell me to run in the other direction. So for now, I am procrastinating. The line from the Producers that "We're in too deep!" keeps going through my head, but I'm sure I'll be alright. I just feel a little overwhelmed with the task at hand. Sometime today, or tomorrow before 5PM I need to sit down and go back over the lesson plan I drew up last week. I need a game plan. I need motivation. I need a healthy dose of confidence or faith that I can, indeed, do this.

I'm tired of sugar coating!

Not real sugar coating, mind you.  Sugar is one of my major food groups.  I'm talking about how the schools like to make all the kids feel good about themselves these days.  Even when they do an awful job, they still don't want to make the kids feel bad.  In our school system the letter grade F does not exist.  They've replaced it with a U for unsatisfactory.  I think the term unsatisfactory is rather subjective.  In our house anything less than a B is unsatisfactory.  I don't even like seeing B's come home.  If a child fails, they should just put an F on the page.  Let them feel bad about the grade.  They should.  And if they feel bad about the F, then maybe that will motivate them to try harder next time.  A U is too benign if you ask me.  It's a sugar coated F without the negative connotation.

Madeline is a smart girl.  She's clever and bright.  She's also lazy.  When you factor the laziness in, you can get some disastrous results.  Today she brought home her Friday folder that hasn't been home in nearly a month because of situations revolving around the teacher's absences. Long story short, the teacher has been out for nearly 3 1/2 weeks over the past month because of family medical issues.  Because of these absences, I had no idea that Madeline had checked out for the year.  Imagine my horror when I find that she earned a 59 (that's a U for underachiever or unsatisfactory, choose your preference) on a math test, and a 60 on a reading comprehension (That's superb for a 2nd grader who can read on a 5th grade level, don't you think?).  I just want to bang my head against a wall when I see stuff like this.  Usually it's the stray C that comes home where she decided to skip a page or a few questions.  Today two U's and many C's came home.  The sight of them makes me feel ill.  Every mistake was either the result of her not answering a question, or her just rushing and writing anything so she could be done.  It wasn't like she tried and failed.  She didn't try, yet she knew the right answers. Ugh.

I think the biggest problem is Madeline doesn't care.  She just wants to be a social butterfly. Bryan tells me he was like this as a kid (not caring, not the social butterfly part) and that she'll want to do her best when she gets a little older.  I'm not so sure.

I know I shouldn't take her grades personally, but I look at them as a reflection on me.  It looks like I either don't work with my child at home, or we're just not intelligent people.  It kills me.  One of my main goals when Bryan and I set out to start a family, was to raise intelligent children who were at the top of their class academically.  In theory, we should have produced a smart little geek who is obsessed with academics.  Instead, I have a child who wants to be Little Miss Popular.  What went wrong?

I'll be stressing about these latest grades until the report card comes home on Thursday.  Perhaps someday I'll be able to step back and not feel like my child's grades are a reflection on my parenting.

I'm officially trapped

I've had a particularly rough week, and it just got a little worse.  In the grand scheme of things, I know things could be far worse, but allow me my pity party.  So much has gone wrong this week, that it's almost funny, but not quite.

Bryan has been in San Francisco for a conference since this past Monday.  While he's been gone, life has just been handing me lemon after lemon. Between the girls acting up, the dog and his many accidents and my newly broken garage door, I'm having more fun than I ought to!

For the most part, nothing that has gone wrong has been major.  No one is sick or hurt.  It's just been nagging little things that have been piling up.  

Today I came home from picking Madeline up at school to a broken garage door.  The cable on one of the pulleys on the garage door snapped off the frame work.  I have no idea if it's something that can be repaired.  What I do know is my car is trapped in the garage until Bryan gets home.  I can't get the door to lock, and I can't lift it up (too heavy for me, and I have a bad back so I can't force it).  

I'm tired, cranky and simply not amused.  I want to just go to sleep and pretend that none of this has happened.  Have I ever mentioned how much I hate it when Bryan travels?  Something always goes wrong while he's away.  It never gets easier.

Why now?

Bryan is getting ready to head out to California for the week on a business trip.  So I'm going to be doing the single parent thing from Monday until Saturday morning.  The week is already filled with obligations, so I'm going to be busy.  The last thing I need is a broken appliance.

I went downstairs to do some laundry this morning and I noticed that the clothes in the washer were awfully wet (insert unenthusiastic "Yay!" with sarcastic inflection here).  So I figured I should do another spin cycle and see if that helped.  It didn't.  Another washer bites the dust.  This is our second washing machine in 9 years.  What on Earth are we doing to these things?  Both of my girls had pretty bad reflux as babies so we have used our washers more than the average consumer.  Each washer did 1-2 loads a day at a minimum for a full year before going back to normal levels of use, and each endured a round of potty training.  The dryer has been a trooper.  The faithful dryer has been serving us without fail for over 8 years.  Thanks to onesie snaps, the pain has worn off the inside of the dryer in many places.

Tomorrow, Bryan and I will have to go to Lowes and pick out a new washer and dryer.  I'm praying that they can have them delivered on Sunday.  I have laundry piling up and I need to wash Bryan's clothes for his trip.  This seriously could not have happened at a worse time.  And worst of all, I still haven't decided what type of washer I want.  I've been trying to decide what I want for nearly 2 years.  I can't decide between a front loader or an agitator free HE machine that is a top loader.  I just know that I need a machine that can accommodate my king-sized comforter. 

So now I get to stress out about a washer and dryer as well as Bryan's upcoming travel. Ugh.