Monday, August 9, 2010

Standing on the edge

At the moment life feels a little bit like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff deciding when (or if) I should jump.  I felt like this nearly six years ago but I was nudged over the edge and the result was Ellie.  As much as I wanted to be the mother of two, I didn't want to endure another pregnancy or infancy simply because I knew what I'd be getting myself into: massive hormonal mood swings and possibly postpartum depression and a colicky reflux baby.  The second pregnancy did bring massive mood swings and the term Massive Mood Swing Karen was born.  The second baby was not colicky, but she did have reflux that was treated with better medication.  And the postpartum depression signs that I showed with Madeline were non-existent with Ellie.

My pregnancy mood swings are legendary among those who know me.  They were bad enough that Bryan pretty much decided and I agreed, that we were done having children.  It was reasoned that it was better to have a sane mom on an even keel than it was to subject our innocent children to my hormonal insanity.

I was perfectly content with our family size until two years ago.  I suddenly felt called to have another baby.  I wrestled with that idea for several months.  Then I presented it to Bryan who was absolutely not on board with the idea in any way shape or form.  Even discussing the possibility was not an option.  After spending many months praying for a change of heart on his part he became receptive to the idea. Now that he's on board with us expanding our family I find myself doubting whether or not I can do this.

There's not much that I doubt I can do.  For some reason I find myself worried that I'm going to turn our lives upside down.  Will the kids resent me for this?  Will our house seem cramped? (Bryan says it won't because we have an entire level of the house that is seldom used.)  Will our lives turn into chaotic bedlam?  Will I be able to wrangle three kids at Mass by myself week after week?  Will I be able to start  homeschooling the girls next year AND care for an infant?  I don't know the answers to any of these questions and quite frankly it scares the crap out of me.  I'm a planner, a control freak, and not having all the answers puts me on edge.

On some level I think I felt more secure when my life was one of hoping and praying that Bryan would change his mind about having another baby.  Now that he's on the same page I'm scared out of my mind.     I know I'm going to jump off this cliff at some point.  Getting up the courage is proving to be the hard part.  I wonder if I'm alone in feeling like this when it comes to adding a new member to the family.  I know from experience that I will be thrilled to have a new little one to love and that things will work out, but I'm going to worry just the same in the meantime.


  1. Any decision we make we feel it is wrong so don't fret. We always second guess what we do. Just take one day at a time.


  2. Whenever I've started to actually plan to have a baby I've felt like this. I stopped planning and that helped. Once Hubby and I decide we would welcome another child we just stop actually avoiding pregnancy and let whatever happens happen. It becomes one of those things where we're not trying, but we're not not trying either.

    Second guessing things is very normal. Just remember, you can do this. You're children will love their new sibling. I'll pray for your peace of mind in all of this.

  3. I think your thoughts and feelings are very understandable and that worrying is completely natural. This isn't a small thing you are deciding upon, it's life changing. You sound capable and strong and I wish you courage and discernment as you and your husband decide what you feel led to do.
    I don't think you are alone in your feelings at all.
    Prayers and hugs,

  4. From one control freak to another, "Let go and let God." As someone else commented, just stop trying to NOT get pregnant, allow God to handle it. Then pray, pray, pray! God bless!

  5. You just summed up what I am going through right now. We have twin boys that are 2 1/2 and I am so scared to have to go through the newborn stage again but I know or I think I want another baby. I think to just see what it is like with one baby. It was so hard with 2 newborns at the same time. We are trying now but I am actually not upset that we haven't gotten pregnant yet so I question why we are doing it again. Ugh.... anyways, I've been reading blogs for a couple years now and have finally opened up my own account this afternoon and plan to start my blog in the next day or two. :-) Maybe we'll get pregnant at the same time!



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